How Never to handle bad breath

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We’ve all been there. You round the corner to your cubical ready to start the day’s work when you are suddenly accosted by the familiar stench of a co-worker’s bad breath.

“Here we go again…”, you imagine. “Another ‘H’-filled tirade that will not ever permeate my ears because I’m too busy attempting to keep it from permeating my nose.”

“So anywahhhhy,” continues your co-worker, “Hhhhank Hhhhenshhhhaaw from Hhhhuman Reshhhhourcess told me ouhhhhhr 401k plahhhhn is an outstahhhhnding invehhhhhstment optiohhhhhn…”

Somehow, we’d like to believe that our forced smile and wilting eyelashes might tell the offending party that there’s something less than stellar about the way they are sounding. Unfortunately, that’s simply wishful thinking. The thing is that no one knows they have a problem. We appear to be immune to your own stench, and unlike Willy Nelson’s muse, it’s never on our minds.

So how do you tell someone that their breathe is making you are having issues differentiating their head from their derriere? Sure, whether it’s someone you know and are comfortable with, you can test honesty. Still, even honesty has it’s own group of problems. Do you play it off like it’s a one-time occurrence you merely noticed and hope that mentioning it requires care of the situation once and for all? Can you sit them down and have a serious discussion which could ultimately embarrass them or cause you to appear to be the bad person? How will they react to either scenario? You’d wish to be told in the event that you had bad breath, wouldn’t you? Would you feel comfortable being told by this person that you have bad breath? Do you really know them well enough to be discussing this situation with them?

They are all important questions whose answers will vary with each unique situation. Still, there are several things it is possible to avoid saying which are universal across all situations. I have taken the liberty of listing those hateful pounds below. Remember, honesty is best policy, but brutal honesty is frequently unnecessary.

# 1 Gee, is your breath or did I blow my nose right after wiping my ass?

# 2 And now here’s me with the weather: Thanks, me! Well it looks like there is a stank front moving due east from wherever the mouth area happens to be. We’re considering a 100% chance of Halitosis throughout the rest you will ever have. Sports is next followed by today�s lottery numbers. Stay Tuned!

# 3 I don’t mean to be rude however your horrible breath is melting my face. To have to stand here and listen to キラハクレンズ is agonizingly painful. Hey, you ever see that “Alien” movie where the alien is breathing in Sigourney Weaver’s face and she just cringes as the thing is indeed scary and because it’s saliva can be an acid that may eat through metal? It is a lot like that because despite the fact that your saliva won’t eat through metal, I’m fairly certain your mouth-stench will which is scaring the crap outta me, my pal. Again, I don’t mean to be rude…

So you see, dear reader, one must choose carefully when approaching a subject this sensitive. Perhaps honesty isn’t always the best policy. Better yet, why not just leave an anonymous note…and a breath mint.

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