How NOT to handle bad breath

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We’ve all been there. You across the corner to your cubical ready to start the day’s work if you are suddenly accosted by the familiar stench of a co-worker’s bad breath.

“Here we go again…”, you think. “Another ‘H’-filled tirade that won’t ever permeate my ears because I’m too busy trying to keep it from permeating my nose.”

“So anywahhhhy,” continues your co-worker, “Hhhhank Hhhhenshhhhaaw from Hhhhuman Reshhhhourcess told me ouhhhhhr 401k plahhhhn is an outstahhhhnding invehhhhhstment optiohhhhhn…”

Somehow, we’d like to believe that our forced smile and wilting eyelashes might tell the offending party that there surely is something less than stellar about the way they are sounding. Unfortunately, that’s simply wishful thinking. The problem is that no one knows they have a problem. We seem to be immune to our own stench, and unlike Willy Nelson’s muse, it’s never on our minds.

So how can you tell someone that their breathe is making you have a problem differentiating their head from their derriere? Sure, if it’s someone you know and so are comfortable with, you can try honesty. Still, even honesty has it’s own group of problems. Do you play it off like it’s a one-time occurrence you just noticed and hope that mentioning it requires care of the situation once and for all? Can you sit them down and also have a serious discussion which could ultimately embarrass them or cause you to appear to be the bad person? How will they react to either scenario? You’d wish to be told in the event that you had bad breath, wouldn’t you? Would you feel safe being told by this person that you have bad breath? You don’t know them well enough to be discussing this situation with them?

They are all important questions whose answers will change with each unique situation. Still, there are several things it is possible to avoid saying which are universal across all situations. I’ve taken the liberty of listing those hateful pounds below. Remember, ブレスマイルウォッシュ is the best policy, but brutal honesty is frequently unnecessary.

# 1 Gee, is that your breath or did I blow my nose immediately after wiping my ass?

# 2 And now here’s me with the elements: Thanks, me! Well it appears like there’s a stank front moving due east from wherever the mouth area happens to be. We’re looking at a 100% chance of Halitosis throughout the rest of your life. Sports is next accompanied by today�s lottery numbers. Stay Tuned!

# 3 I don’t mean to be rude however your horrible breath is melting my face. To have to stand here and listen to you is agonizingly painful. Hey, you ever see that “Alien” movie where in fact the alien is breathing in Sigourney Weaver’s face and she just cringes as the thing is so scary and because it’s saliva can be an acid that may eat through metal? It is a lot like that because even though your saliva won’t eat through metal, I’m fairly certain your mouth-stench will which is scaring the crap outta me, my pal. Again, I don’t mean to be rude…

So you see, dear reader, one must choose carefully when approaching a topic this sensitive. Perhaps honesty isn’t always the best policy. Better yet, you will want to just leave an anonymous note…and a breath mint.

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